Not Comics: One Fan's Reaction

I don't do this very often, so please indulge me as I take a rare break from comics blogging to speak about something that's been on my mind.

Having grown up for the first 18 years of my life in St. Louis, I am a lifelong Cardinals baseball fan.

How big a fan?

Even now, living less than 5 miles from Shea Stadium (I know it's now called CitiField, but to me it'll always be Shea), I still think of the Mets as "pond scum," a leftover jab from the heated rivalry of the '80s, before the divisional realignment.

I strictly adhere to the two “Cardinal” rules: I never boo my own players (except when they give you the finger) and I never root for the Cubs.

I still think Don Denkinger cost us the '85 World Series.

I own all kinds of Cardinals memorabilia, from pennants to jerseys to hats to baseball cards to programs to a Wheaties box with Chris Carpenter on it. My son has a full wardrobe of Cardinals gear.

I've even made the journey to Jupiter, FL to see the Cardinals in Spring training and have a baseball autographed personally by 2006 World Series MVP David Eckstein.

As a surprise, my wife actually invited Albert Pujols to our wedding (the autographed reply card he sent back hangs framed in my office).

What I'm saying is, I'm as die-hard and loyal a member of Redbird Nation as you're likely to find.

So, you can imagine the excitement I felt during that magical summer of 1998 when Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa were assaulting the record books with their home run bonanza. I literally read every newspaper article I could find those last two months, as they both closed in on Roger Maris' sacred record. I tried desperately to get tickets to those final games that season, but had to settle for watching the record breaking game with my dad in a sports bar (still a great memory).

By 2005, of course, the dream had been shattered.

It was obvious to everyone after McGwire's Congressional testimony that he'd used steroids. His infamous line about not wanting to talk about the past was as bad as an admission of guilt.

Still, a small part of me remained in denial. You see, unlike Jose Canseco or Alex Rodriguez, Mark McGwire always seemed like a true gentlemen. This was a superstar who unashamedly did promo ads for a charity to erase the stigma of bedwetting. Was he really the type to lie under oath?

And then there was his sterling reputation within baseball. Everyone who ever played with McGwire (except, of course, for Canseco) swore up and down that he was a top notch teammate, a great guy in the clubhouse, as the saying goes. Tony LaRussa, the Cardinals Manager, staunchly defended him.

So, while I knew, we all knew, deep down, that he was guilty, it became easy enough to live with the possibility, however implausible, of innocence. Afterall, in America, you're innocent until proven guilty beyond a shadow of a doubt, right?

Well, not really. These days, celebrities are guilty the moment an accusation or rumor hits the Internet. Proving innocence is almost besides the point, the reputation, once tarnished, rarely, if ever recovers.

Anyway, yesterday's admission that he did in fact use steroids probably barely registered with most people. If anything, I expect a "well, duh!" kind of reaction from most baseball fans. We already knew that, right? What's the big deal?

But to me, it hurt.

Why? I'm still not sure.

And it's not because I feel let down, or that I wanted him to remain silent on the issue, it's more because now, after nearly five years, his admission just feels kind of pathetic.

It feels desperate.

Why is Mark McGwire suddenly coming forth, on a random Monday in January, 2010, to unburden his guilty conscience? Why now, when he had so many other, better opportunities to do so?

He says he didn't confess back then because he didn't want to subject his family to a federal investigation. Plus, his lawyers advised him against it. He was just protecting his family. Who could fault a guy for that?

Yeah, I guess.

But then why didn’t he cooperate with Senator Mitchell’s investigation? Why did he go into exile, instead of using his celebrity to deliver an anti-steroids message?

Personally, I think he’s finally coming clean because he desperately wants to get back into baseball (as the Cardinals hitting coach) and still hopes he can salvage his reputation. Perhaps he also thinks a sincere admission, one that was forthright and honest, even if carefully choreographed, with the requisite amount of tears, apologies, candor and TV face time, might somehow resurrect support among the baseball writers of America who vote for the Hall of Fame.

Or maybe he really was just tired of living with the secret.

Whatever the case, McGwire's admission feels like too little, too late. It's almost worse than his infamous non-admission.

As Americans, we’re often quick to rush to judgment, but we're also quick to forgive. We love a sincere apology and we're extremely willing to give second chances to the deservingly contrite. Look at Andy Pettitte or, hell, even Bill Clinton.

But at what point does sincerity melt into theatrics? Were McGwire's tears heartfelt or coached? It’s hard to tell anymore. Is he really so moved to emotion, after so many years, or is he simply telling us what he, and his team of PR experts think we want to hear?

And I'm sure Mark McGwire is a good guy. He seems like a sincere, caring, passionate man. He's probably incredibly generous and kind. I have no doubt he's a great dad and husband (though I thought that of Tiger Woods, too, so who really knows).

But despite the fact that I'm sure he means it, his whirlwind talk show apology tour just rings hollow. I still wouldn't support his admission into the Hall of Fame (which seems pretty unlikely anyway).

I know I sound overly cynical, especially for a Cardinals fan, but like it or not, McGwire’s a part of my team again. I still don't know how I feel about him being the Cardinals hitting coach. I worry that his presence will be more of a distraction than a benefit, and that he'll take some of the spotlight off the team's players, especially MVP Albert Pujols.

But most of all, I just wish McGwire had been smarter. Of course I wish he hadn't used steroids, but that aside, I wish he'd been honest when it mattered most. I wish he'd had more respect for the millions of loyal fans in St. Louis and around the country who supported and cheered him when he was deceiving us all, and for the much smaller number of us who gave him the benefit of the doubt even after the truth became apparent.

Any true fan of the Cardinals is a loyal reader of Bernie Miklasz, the sports columnist for the St. Louis Post Dispatch, who almost always has his finger on the pulse of Redbird Nation. In his latest column, Miklasz wrote: "I don't believe McGwire will ever be voted into the Hall of Fame, and I don't think he cares about that. This was about something else. McGwire doesn't need my forgiveness, or yours. More than anything, he wants to be able to forgive himself. And this was a start."

If that's the case, I sincerely hope McGwire feels better.

I sure don't.